Those words ‘I’m Sorry’
At 16 weeks pregnant after being told your baby had passed away inside you and to go home and wait 48 hours before returning to be induced. I’ve never felt emotional pain like it.
We had only been trying for our first baby for six months so we were over joyed when we saw the word ‘Positive’. We (I) were too keen and booked a private scan at 7 weeks pregnant for early reassure as I’m petrified of even the word ‘Ecptopic’
Our palms could not have sweated more on the morning of our first private scan. Seeing our first baby (little bean) on a sonogram was magical, we couldn’t quite believe it. From the dates I provided the sonographer she advised little bean looked a little small so wanted to get us back in two weeks for a rescan.
Previous to falling pregnant we had booked a two-week holiday to Jamaica so this turned into our babymoon. I’m a cocktail lover and unfortunately could only drink mocktails and sunbathe for 10 minutes at a time 😥 Even though being in such a beautiful country all I wanted to do was jump back onto the plane to fly straight back to England for my rescan.
We booked the rescan for the day after we landed! We couldn’t wait any longer. On this day the sonographer told us our baby (no longer bean looking) was looking healthy and on scale
We could finally drive home no longer feeling anxious about the future however that was not the case
At our 12 week scan everything seemed great until the sonographer asked us a question if we had read up on the NT ‘screening test’ for Downs Syndrome. We had and advised we wanted this done and carried on the screening as normal (well we thought) in fact the sonographer had noticed an additional amount of fluid behind our babies neck so wanted to recheck this. The average measure for the fluid is under 3.5mm however, we could quite clearly see ours was 7.4mm. At this point I started to panic! With this we were referred to a specialist consultant and bloods were taken.
48 hours after having our run of the mill 12 week scan we were being seen by the best consultant in this field in the county. He reassured us with my blood results and the previous scan (the combined test) there was a 1 in 150 chance of our baby having Down Syndrome. He carried out a scan which he was happy with and then gave us three options
– Amniocentesis Test (huge whopping needle entering the uterus through the abdomen under ultrasound guidance. 2% chance of miscarriage
– Harmony Test (£500 my blood work sent to the USA to assess the baby’s DNA in my blood
– Waiting two weeks to rescan and re-check on baby
We are big believers in ‘Everything happens for a reason’ so we made the decision of waiting it out the two weeks. Our thoughts behind this initially were we didn’t want to risk the 2% miscarriage rate nor did we think £500 would change our feelings towards our baby if they found abnormalities.
Together we decided we were to announce our pregnancy as no matter what was happening or going to occur this was our baby and we were proud parents to be!
We moved house within the long two-week wait so we had plenty of things to keep us sane! On our moving day, Saturday 29th November 2014 my mum mentioned how small my bump was looking compared to the previous week, in which I didn’t think much of it. Nearly two weeks had passed and we only had two days left to wait to see our consultant again. I remember saying to a friend at work how I had noticed I was not feeling as pregnant as the previous week. A very hard feeling to describe but once again didn’t think too much of that feeling or conversation.
The day had finally arrived, two weeks had officially passed and we could see the consultant for a rescan. In the hospital waiting room, we were both very talkative about random things, we were obviously so nervous we didn’t want to think about what might happen in that room were about to walk into.
The words ‘I’m Sorry’ only took 30 seconds to come from the consultants mouth after placing the probe onto my stomach.
Our baby had passed away within the two weeks! My mum’s comment about my bump looking smaller than normal and me telling a work friend I had not been feeling as pregnant as normal were massive tell tell signs something was wrong. Was I in denial when these things were said?
Our consultant then confirmed out baby had passed away a week before dating Wednesday 26th November 2014.